this morning when i woke up
it hurt a little less than it used to
– maybe my mind is starting to move on
but you can never completely move on from death
no matter how much we would scream and curse and beg and pray
there’s a definitiveness to it
there is no undo button that you can press
to bring life back into the ones to have loved and then lost
i wish that could be possibile, though
i wish i could have seen each others as adults
celebrating your life, the man that you were supposed to become
and i, the sister that you could finally see as an equal
i wish we could be back at the dinner table
singing happy birthday,
you calling me a fox, me calling you a raccoon in reply
– grown-ups but still keeping the silliness that can only exist between brothers,
a bond that only gets stronger with time
but these are all just wishes
that i can only send into the universe
hoping that today, more than any other, you will be able to feel how much love i still have stored in my heart just for you
how much i miss you still
– even though i am trying hard to get just a little better so i could learn to celebrate life
not only for me, but for you as well
today, my dear, i still shed some tears
i still ask myself why you
but i can feel all that rage i used to have
all that darkness, all that emptiness turning into something that, in time, might become as bright as the light itself
so bright that you, too, will be able to feel it and know that i am okay
today, i love you more and i miss you even more than any other day of the year, my dearest one
to me, you will forever be all the colors in one, at full brightness
Alta's World 