There’s nothing worse than fear. Fear eats your soul, bit by bit. Never ceasing to work its own destructive way.
The physical pain feeds the Demon of Fear like nothing I’ve ever seen before. There are times I’m paralyzed by this type of fear. She ties my hands, I feel her hands so close to my throat. It’s like in an instant she’s about to rip my heart out, while tormenting my mind with words I cannot escape. Words that haunt me day and night and night and day.
Now imagine this Demon of Fear walking hand in hand with that of Uncertainty, under the strict supervision of Pain.
“One breathe at the time”, you try telling yourself.
Is it working? Of course not.
“What can I do? How do I free myself from Fear?” is all you can think about.
I used to believe my inner demons are the hardest to control. But they seem like infants in the face of Pain, Fear and Uncertainty. For I spoke the secret language of those demons. I know the spell to keep them in control. Fear took control over my body once Pain comfortably settled in. You try to escape that Pain, but it won’t show herself to anyone but you. You take Pain to doctors, they only send you to other doctors. They take away your blood again, and again, and again, but they give you no answers in exchange. You fear those around won’t be sufficiently well armed to detect her before it causes destruction. Fear of damages. Fear of being unable to stop her from destroying everything inside.
There’s nothing worse than Fear of Uncertainty in the face of Pain. I’d trade this any day for my inner demons. Now I know I can survive something I came to befriend, to tame, to tolerate, to share my mind with. But this… how do I fight this so as to defeat her, to send her in exile for half a century or more?
Wish I could be a Believer. For months and months and months I tried to find tools to defeat Fear, but she is protected by Uncertainty and Pain. Nothing seems to work against these three sisters.
“Try this pills”, doctors always says.
But pills never work. And you’ve taken so many you hardly remember the name of them all. With each pill you swallow, there’s a glimpse of Hope in your heart. With each pill it doesn’t chase away the Pain, the Despair grows stronger and stronger. So does Uncertainty, and so does Pain.
“It’s all alright. Try to relax.”
But the Three Sisters won’t let me relax. So you try everything. Chill music, long baths, even longer walks, buy plenty of books, even talking to God. In the heart of it all there’s Pain. With it comes Fear, and sometimes tears of Despair and Frustration.
So they just won’t let me be. “I am not myself, you see”, Alice would say. But they don’t see. They don’t see the struggle. Day and night and night and day… How do I defeat this? I need some kind of protective charm. Running from a place to another, just begging for help is so tiring, it leaves me more and more desolate. With every new “I don’t know”, Fear gets to occupy more space inside, and Despair gets stronger. How do I summon Hope or Faith or something that would let me be just a 27 yo woman with a perfectly normal and boring and long future ahead?
There’s nothing worse than Fear of Uncertainty in the face of Pain.
Alta's World 